fake rancher – The Original Lampasshole

Socialist Deadbeat Who Lives With Mom Wants You To Believe He Comes From “Backbreaking Poverty” and Grandparents Who “Picked Cotton and Shot Squirrels To Survive”

The pathological liar is back at it again!

Mouse-jiggling moron Clayton Tucker FINALLY posted on his Substack – something he hasn’t bothered with in about nine months. This was worth the wait, because it is filled with even more preposterous stories of his humble beginnings.

Previously he just lied about being a “fifth-generation rancher,” a cowboy, a farmer etc. In fact, he STILL doesn’t know if his family owns a ranch or a farm!

Despite the fact they “have always been a cattle family”…

So confusing!

He also mentions Sid Miller AGAIN. Which makes me 99.5% sure he is going to run for Ag Commissioner in 2025. I cannot wait!

But all of the above bullshit pales in comparison to his latest ridiculous whopper of a lie!

***That entire paragraph makes no sense. It’s just commie blather and buzzwords.***

Yeah, those cotton-pickin, squirrel-shootin Tuckers! I heard it was great-grandfather Jed Clampett Tucker who began the whole ranching business! You know, the “RX Ranch” ranching business that was founded five generations ago by Clayton himself but which didn’t even have an official name until last December. LOL!!

Now which grandfather was that? The grandfather you said was a pharmacist, so you called it “RX”? Or the OTHER grandfather who was in the military his entire life and whose obituary makes ZERO mention of any ranching – let alone cotton picking or scraping a living off the squirrel population??

What a shame. Grandpa Howard A. Tucker sounds like a decorated war hero and was a registered Republican. But his idiot grandson Clayton is busy trying to import communism into the very country his grandfather fought to keep it out of. What a total asshole.

Or is the “cotton picker” maybe your grandma you claimed came over here from England? Gwen? You know, the one you claimed it took 26 years for her to get her citizenship? Pretty sure there isn’t a lot of cotton picking going on in the English countryside.

Or is it the OTHER grandpa? Grandpa Bob who actually owns the property. I’m not sure how HE is the one who grew up in abject poverty since you said he was a pharmacist his entire life – thus the “RX” name, you utter clown.

Maybe you’re talking about GREAT grandpa Ollie Prentice Tucker? Ummm…that doesn’t work either! Looks like HE was a career Navy man as well – who died pretty young at age 58. Here he is in his uniform:

***Not a cowboy hat or pitchfork too be seen! He must have taken off his coonskin cap for this photo.***

[In fact, more than a few Tuckers dangling from the branches of your family tree dropped dead at a fairly young age. Something to think about as you keep injecting yourself with Covid “vaccines” every year!]

Could you have meant his wife, great-grandma Elizabeth? Mmmmm….no. Looks like she was a switchboard operator! Pretty high-tech shit for the early 1900s. I doubt she had time to pick the cotton or shoot any squirrels after finishing her non-physically-taxing, white-collar job for the day.

No Clayton, I’m afraid the ridiculous story of your poverty-stricken, sharecropping origins just doesn’t hold water at all. Yet another fabrication in preparation of you getting your ass kicked when you run for Ag Commissioner.

If you’re going back to the 1700s or 1800s to find a relative to make this “rough times” claim then I have news for you: EVERYONE was a fucking farmer 300 years ago, you clown. EVERYONE pretty much grew their own food back then and broke their back with manual labor. That’s how life was – the Tuckers weren’t special.

Here are the REAL facts: you are the only child of Terry Tucker (who had a cushy government job with the Railroad Commission of Texas) and Howard C. Tucker – who by his own admission on Facebook made a comfortable living in the aerospace industry! In fact, Comrade Clayton has sported a “Firefly” t-shirt once or twice – which is likely who his dad worked for at some point. And you know those giant “big, greedy” aerospace companies: always feasting on fat government contracts and selling $600 hammers to NASA! Yet Comrade Clayton NEVER mentions them in his ranting about greedy CEOs, does he?

[It also maybe explains why you want to spend “MUCH more” money on NASA and not on a “racist” border wall! Daddy works in aerospace and HE’S the one who buys brand new shiny tractors for Comrade Clayton to play on for social media!]

You were the only child of TWO comfortably-employed parents – both of whom owe their paychecks to the taxpayer. They then paid around $80,000 for you to go to Southwestern University and collect a useless major in International Relations and THEN paid for you to go galivant around Asia with a fancy camera and pretend to be a kindergarten teacher for 9 whole months!

They have allowed you to live in their house EVEN TODAY as you approach your 34th birthday.

Right up to the moment you decided to run for office, you were just another baseball-cap wearing, tuba-playing, incel dork who lived with mom and believed in Bernie Sanders. You only invented all this “rancher” shit when you decided to try and glom onto a government position for a living.

Grandpa Bob Wright is the one who owns the land – perhaps purchased with his pharmacy wages, lol. You just go over there and play make-believe rancher a couple times a week and take photos for old ladies on Facebook.

In short, you’ve been handed every opportunity by doting parents as an only child. And you STILL can’t support yourself in the real world! Grandpa Howard must be spinning in his grave.

Far from being the rancher you claim to be, you actually spend your time traipsing around to ridiculous conventions and rallies or working for free on the campaigns of losers like Julie Oliver, Chris Perri and Robert O’Rourke.

If you’re the product of cotton-pickin, squirrel-shootin’ hardscrabble farmers and ranchers then I’m the fucking queen of England.

Lying douchebag.

Serial Goat Killer Clayton Tucker Loses New Goats After Only a Week. Immediately Blames “Goat Thieves.”

From coyotes to VultureBuzzards (TM) to parasites, local fake rancher and serial goat killer Clayton Tucker is always finding new and inventive ways to end the lives of his poor goats.

Yesterday he went for straight-up negligence and was maybe also trying for “hit by a car.”

Of course, he would never ADMIT to straight-up negligence, so he blamed the well-known nefarious KIDnapping (get it??) cartels that everyone knows operate in our area….

***Dummy socialist loses goats after only 10 days.***

[Yes – the clown who demands that healthcare be “free” and college be “free” has the temerity to call them HIS goats. Perhaps there was a fellow socialist in the area and he wanted a “free” goat! Who are you to deny him that?? To each according to his need, right? Of course, Clayton Tucker the socialist does not like having HIS property taken. How ironic!]

Yes, by all means – let’s get the police involved. The same police that radical lefties like Clayton Tucker were screaming to defund just four short years ago! I’m sure they have nothing better to do than deal with your dwarf goats.

The dwarf goats are a new part of his “ranching” operation. His business model is:

#1 – take pictures with cute baby goats (or new dwarf goats)

#2 – Post on Facebook

#3 – let quasi-retarded lonely old liberal cat ladies comment on how cute they are with heart emojis and rainbows.

Unfortunately, there is no “collect money and profit” step to his model, which is why he still lives with mom.

Anyways, the goats were found running around loose by none other than our intrepid City IT person – Acevedo! I guess nobody stole them after all! Tucker was just engaging in the favorite pastime of Lampassholes everywhere by losing his pet and then asking Facebook if anyone has seen them.

Why did Comrade Clayton even have these goats in town anyways? Does he shuttle them between grandma’s ranch and mom’s house where he splits his time? Does he “chestfeed” them every few hours like Pete Buttigieg?

I love how Acevedo casually throws in that they were “skin and bones” and “crying constantly.” Zing! That’s a roundabout way of saying “are you abusing these poor goats, you moron?!?”

I wonder how long the panicked dummy socialist ran around his mom’s house and the library next door looking for these poor goats before he decided that they MUST have been stolen. LOL. No WAY this was his fault. He’s a “fifth-generation” rancher, don’t ya know??

Will somebody PLEASE stage an intervention with serial goat killer Clayton Tucker?? He reminds me of these women in dirt-poor, impoverished African countries who keep having babies only to watch them die of starvation at 9 months old. Then they do it over and over again – with the same result.

As one of my favorite comedians said about those African women:

“How much of a sociopath do you need to be? That is the slow ritual torture-murder of ~~children~~ goats, one after another! At what point does cause-and-effect not kick in? How many bulb-headed skeletons have to go stiff in your arms?! … ‘what? this one’s not working… oh, well let’s try again’, one after another. At what point do you not go ‘I think this is bad’? … How many kids are you going to fuckin’ kill, ~~lady~~ Clayton? … If you impregnate someone under those conditions, they should abort the parents! That’s sick!”

Fire Up The Grill

My friends Amy and George at Winter’s Beef were working hard the last few days and weeks. They load up the coolers and trucks early and head to farmer’s markets which are hours away.

They have their website available for buying steaks and burgers. They remind you a week or two before any holiday weekend to stock up for your holiday parties and even give you great recipes for their steaks and burgers.

The are REAL ranchers.

What do FAKE ranchers do for a big holiday weekend where a lot of meat is bought and sold? Why, they make tweets and social media posts endorsing yet another commie piece of shit or Paki muzzie who wants to help wreck America further…

FAKE ranchers also talk a lot about a website, but then six months later…no website. Totally forgotten like the failed Substack project. Because it is MUCH easier to sit in mom’s upstairs bedroom in the air conditioning and cry about how unfair life is.

You see, the website project will NEVER get done. That’s because fake ranchers have no actual products to sell. How do you sell non-existent products on a website? You can’t.

I think I DID see Comrade Clayton at the park the other day though…..

At least he’s an expert on goats, though.

Not.

Savanna goats are known for their milk production.

“You can milk anything with nipples.”

“I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?”

Mark Langford Probably Takes a Morning Shit That Is Bigger Than Clayton Tucker.

I love reading about the cattle industry in the Lampasas Dispatch. They have an in-depth article a few times a year, like they do today on page five.

I’ve probably read dozens of these articles over the last decade. I’m fascinated with that stuff. The economics of it. The many factors that go into being a successful rancher. You have to know a LOT about a lot of things: animals, soils, grass, business. Those guys are the backbone of America and Texas (along with the oil guys). A tough and thankless job, really.

In ALL those articles I’ve read where they talk to experts and others in the industry around this area, you know what I have never, ever seen? The name Clayton Tucker! For some reason, the Dispatch never calls up local socialist Comrade Clayton Tucker to ask him about the pulse of the cattle industry – even though he has claimed to be a fifth-generation rancher for many years now.

That’s because Clayton Tucker is a fake rancher. He has also been a fake cowboy and a fake farmer in the past, but today we will focus on his fake ranching.

Let’s compare these two humans (I refuse to call Comrade Clayton a ‘man’)

Disclaimer: I have never met Mark Langford nor am I a relative or employee….these are all guesses plus what I could find on the Internet

First we have a REAL rancher….

Mark Langford, owner of Langford Ranch Enterprises: has been ranching for 40 years. Bachelor of science in Agricultural Economics. Is quoted in newspaper as an expert. He probably employs DOZENS of people. Does NOT have seven different social media platforms where he wastes hours taking pictures of and naming goats. Probably understands how to use the CME cattle futures market to manage price risk.

Probably married to a babe with awesome kids. Probably can wrestle a bear and drink five beers without getting a buzz. I doubt he ever wore a mask or got the “vaccine” when it came out. He doesn’t get sick.

Probably drives big-ass truck with 180,000 miles on it. Probably deer hunts in his spare time. Probably has hands like hams and an American flag on his sprawling property that HE owns, not mom. Probably friends with other local bad-asses like Rickie Roy and Van Berry. Would not be surprised if he has killed a number of coyotes with his bare hands.

Then we have…..

Comrade Clayton Tucker, ‘founder’ of RX Ranch: has only been ‘ranching’ since December 21, 2023. Has never employed anyone in his life. RX Ranch employs zero people. Is a pathological liar. Majored in “International Relations” at joke school in Georgetown. Is a moron who probably has never even HEARD of the cattle futures market nor able to understand price risk hedging.

Couldn’t get into A&M if he tried. Just recently took several beginner ranching courses. Is never quoted by newspapers as ranching expert but instead rants on street corners with other commies demanding free shit like a parasite…

Is more worried about having 1,000 followers on Instacrap than producing any beef for sale…

….drives girl car (Chevy Equinox).

Wants to ban rifles. Hands are likely soft as baby shit. Uses girl machine at gym. Lives with mom. Was petrified of Wuhan virus that was no threat to him and complained for two years that nobody was wearing a mask – even as he wore one in his car.

Forgets he is a rancher much of the time….

Rarely seen in the company of women. Carries a purse and has a fupa….

Hangs out with scumbags who hate America and then puts a Ukraine flag on his mom’s house where he lives!

Did I mention “lives with mom”?

So, as you can see: it is no wonder that every single Dispatch article on REAL ranchers in Lampasas over the last decade has failed to mention, quote or contact Comrade Clayton or RX Ranch.

They understand he is a poseur and clown horn.

Q.E.D.

Fake Dummy Rancher Admits There Isn’t Really a Ranching Business, Per Se. Also Admits No Local Presence.

Welcome to the first Baby Seal Bashing of the new year! There will be another soon enough…

Local socialist vermin and open-borders champion Clayton Tucker was recently asked by a follower what the name of his ranch was and where she could go to buy some beef. You know, since they have “always been a cattle family,” according to him.

The “fifth-generation” “rancher” was forced to admit that there wasn’t really an official name except what his grandpa called it: RX Ranch. But they might change it. Or maybe not. Easy to do when it doesn’t officially exist on paper anywhere that I can find:

So the five-generation cattle ranch (that would be approximately 130 years) that supposedly has deep, deep roots in Lampasas doesn’t really have an official name, doesn’t have a website and has never sold an ounce of meat around here. Comrade Clayton, who graduated college over ten years ago with a useless degree in “International Relations” is just now getting around to the whole “selling some meat” thing.

That makes sense!

REAL ranchers, like my friends Amy and George Winters at Winters Beef, have had an on-line presence for YEARS now with a VERY slick website. They sell product, talk about genetics (she is a trained biologist) and sell their meats at several farmers’ markets several hours away from their ranch in Brady. Amy is actually the SIXTH generation to work their land. These are what REAL ranchers look like and do.

Comrade Clayton can’t even sell a single stick of beef jerky at the Lampasas Farmers’ Market that is two blocks from his mom’s house! LOL!!!

I knew this was all bullshit a long time ago, of course. The peak hilarity of his ranching lie came in May last year when Comrade Clayton tried to virtue signal his concern for the poorz by buying them shitty, sugary Froot-Loops instead of giving them some healthy, fresh ground beef or steaks off of his “ranch.”

Comrade Clayton KNOWS that his bags of processed shit are bad for you, because he was just crying about it a few weeks ago! But apparently that crap is good enough for the poorz as he is too greedy to give away any healthy beef from his “ranch” – either that or there IS no beef produced on the “ranch.”

***You forgot the “Froot” Loops you bought once for the pantry***

A search for RX Ranch in Lampasas yields one result: a YouTube video from 6.5 years ago posted by Howard Tucker – presumably Howard A. Tucker (grandpa who passed away in 2018) and not Howard C. Tucker, the presumed fourth generation of ranchers.

Hilariously, the supposed “4th-generation rancher” (Clayton’s dad) wasn’t really a rancher either – he “left Lampasas after high school to continue further education and went on in having a rewarding career working with several large aerospace companies,” according to his own personal bio on his Pontiac Plus Facebook page. Zero mentions of ranching. Whoops! Another Clayton lie exposed!

We’ll have more soon as we review Comrade Clayton’s 2023: Another Year Of Lies and Nonsense

Socialist Vermin And Self-Proclaimed “5th-Generation Rancher” Consults YouTube To Make Splint. Calls Blu-Kote “Blue Note”

SO much to get to this week. I had to leave town unexpectedly. Enjoy a Socialist Seal Bashing while more content gets created this week…

Local socialist maggot Clayton Tucker SDEC-24 TX just cannot help himself. Every time he makes a video to try and show he is a “5th generation rancher,” he ends up bungling something very basic and showing us he is complete fraud.

It is hilarious and I hope he keeps on making these things. Just more fodder to crush him with next time he runs for something.

First it was him placing his “iconic cowboy hat” all over the room in an attempt to make sure it was always visible in his videos. This was back when he claimed to be a “progressive cowboy” – BEFORE he moved on to fake “rancher.”

Then there was the time he “broke his tractor” and used an adjustable wrench completely wrong to fix a shear bolt (which is actually NOT part of the tractor). That’s back when he was a “farmer” working on the “family farm.”

But NOW he is a “rancher” and thus, he is supposedly mending a goat’s leg.

In the video, he has already “mended the leg” with a paint roller (or “paint roller thing” as he calls it) – which is a trick he just learned on YouTube. You’d think a “5th generation rancher” would have seen that trick a few dozen times by age 32 and not need YouTube, but Comrade Clayton is not the brightest bulb. After all, he thinks socialism is a viable economic system.

He first holds up a can of Blu-Kote and says “basically, I used some, uh, blue spray…blue note…it’s like a wound treatment…it’s good for livestock“

BAHAHAHAHA! “Blue Note” as he is literally holding up a can that clearly says Blu-Kote. I love it! I’m starting to think Clayton Tucker SDEC-24 TX is actually a parody account of a guy pretending to be a moron trying to be a rancher and failing. There is no other explanation. NOBODY is this stupid!

Also, Blu-Kote is for abrasions and is a germicide/fungicide. It does NOT heal fractured legs or legs with internal injuries. Clayton is puzzled by the injury, however. He says it could have been a bite or a kick or a headbutt.

Now, I’m no fake rancher like Clayton Tucker, but we have had dogs, cats, chickens, goats, rabbits and other creatures running around my not-a-ranch here where I’ve lived over the last 12 years. And I can definitely tell the difference between a bite and something else. A bite breaks the skin and Blu-Kote might be helpful. But if my animal is limping around with no abrasions or broken skin, then Blu-Kote is a total waste of time, as it treats stuff like blisters, sores and lesions…not an internal fracture.

Love the videos! Keep em coming, Comrade!!

P.S. – why would a “help the AMERICAN farmer! The AMERICAN farmer is in trouble” guy be wearing a hat promoting Yanmar tractors – a Japanese company?? Very odd indeed.

There once was a commie named Clayton
Who spent all his time masturbatin
But NOW he has goats
For sowing his oats
So matin won’t be so frustratin!

Ass Hat, No Cattle

Time for yet another Baby Seal Bashing. I do this for the same reason chicks go to the spa and get massages and facials. It’s therapeutic and makes them feel rejuvenated.

I also do this so that when this idiot runs for office again someday, his opponent has a massive treasure trove of evidence about how full of shit he really is and what a pathetic socialist bum he really is.

CHALLENGE: Pick out the “5th generation rancher” in the photo. The one who “always wears his iconic cowboy hat” and is a farmer, rancher AND cowboy!

***Kristi Lara = HUGE Bernie-loving commie loser***

What’s that? There IS no rancher in the photo? Give the man a cigar! You are 100% correct!

You see, this was in 2019, BEFORE he had invented his fake rancher persona. Back THEN, he was just a spoiled trust fund commie nerd who went to Bernie Sanders rallies with other dorks, while living with mommy.

Don’t believe it? Allow me to show you hard evidence….

#1 – he forgot he was a rancher when he ran against Dawn Buckingham and got his dick kicked in the dirt…

***He IS (present tense) a socialist agitator living in rural Texas. No mention of ranching. Water researcher? More bullshit.***

#2 – here is more evidence from June 2nd, 2017 when Trust Fund Tucker tried to get appointed to an open City council seat and told The Dispatch all about himself [fourth column, bottom]. Know what he said?

“Clayton Tucker has lived in the city about one year. A 2013 graduate of Southwestern University, he is a teacher and writer.”

***Was NOT a teacher OR a rancher in 2017 – just an unemployed bum***. ***No mention here of being a “rancher”…again.***

Wait, what??? He had only been in the City for “about one year”? How was he ranching if he wasn’t here in Lampasas on the family farm/ranch? The “5th generation rancher” only arrived in Lampasas in 2016?? How confusing.

Luckily, Trust Fund Tucker clears it all up in the next sentence when he tells us he is a “teacher and writer”. Oops! Zero mention of being a 5th generation rancher! Must have slipped his mind.

[He was not a teacher either, but that doesn’t stop him from lying to the Dispatch]

That is THRICE now he has been caught red-handed telling the public he is something OTHER than rancher or farmer. The third time was when he filled out the form to run for City council in 2021 and filled out the OCCUPATION box with “Political Organizer” – apparently forgetting AGAIN that he was a rancher!

So as it turns out, this moron is no hat AND no cattle!

Well, he may have NO hat and NO cattle, but he has “several goats“! Surely THAT is proof you are a real rancher.

Tell me you aren’t a rancher without telling me you aren’t a rancher!

Yeah, lots of “5th generation ranchers” who have been ranching for years and years go ape shit over a few baby goats being born. They can’t contain themselves and they name them all and then post endless photos on their social media accounts, too!

Surely a “5th generation rancher” has seen hundreds, nay THOUSANDS, of animals born. Yet she posted non-stop on social media about this like a 13-year-old girl from the Big City spotting her first deer out in the countryside.

Last year was a brutal one, if you made your living off of the land. We had 100-degree temps in early May, non-stop wind in April and May, close to zero rain in April and May also. By August, REAL ranchers were hurting badly.

REAL ranchers were posting stuff like this:

FAKE ranchers were posting stuff like THIS…

Clayton Tucker of Lampasas: fake hat, no cattle, “several goats” and many, many, many lies.

Say, that reminds me of a joke I heard once…

Two fake ranchers, Clayton and Beto, are driving down a dirt road when they come across Penny the donkey with her head stuck in the fence.

Beto says “Man I haven’t had any pussy in months!” He jumps out of the ~~truck~~ Prius and just starts banging the donkey like there’s no tomorrow.

Then Beto looks over at Clayton and says “Hey, do you want any of this?” Clayton replies “Sure….but do I have to put my head in the fence?”

Socialist Idiot Who Is Not a Farmer and Doesn’t Know How To Repair Tractors (Or Use Wrench) Demands Farmers Get Right To Repair Tractors

You never know what inane and obscure cause our local socialist Comrade Clayton Tucker of Lampasas will take up next.

First it was free Covid vaccines for Africans or something. Now it’s the right to repair your own tractor.

***Who cares WHAT you want, douchebag!***

This is hilarious for several reasons:

(1) This socialist asswipe has spent his WHOLE LIFE demanding bigger and more intrusive government. Government that can forcibly tell you what car to drive, what to eat (less meat!), how much ethanol you have to have in your gas, what kind of stove you can have, whether you are “allowed” to own an AR-15 (Tucker says NO to that), etc. Then he gets butthurt about his “rights” being taken away by John Deere!

So he’s fine with the government telling you what to do from cradle to grave, but John Deere imposing a rule on him is absolutely out of the question.

(2) Clayton is not a farmer OR a rancher. He sometimes poses on his “family” tractor (not his) and pretends to have an actual job as a rancher as part of his bullshit rural persona he feeds to gullible Austin twats. In reality, he holds unpaid joke positions in the Democratic party and lives with his parents.

(3) His family just bought a NEW tractor that isn’t even a Deere in the first place! Mind you, Clayton did not pay for this tractor, either – but he makes it sound like he had a hand in it….

***Get more work done. LOL. Good one. The socialist wants you to think he works!!***

(4) Clayton once did a hilarious video about this very issue a few years ago. He staged a maintenance issue out in a field while mowing with his grandpa’s tractor: “Hey look! My shear bolt broke! Say that reminds me…let’s talk about the right to repair!”

It was even more staged and fake than his cowboy hat trick!

Anyways, Clayton then proceeded to “fix” grandpa’s tractor for his video audience – which consisted of sliding a new bolt into the hole and then tightening the nut on top. But he even managed to fuck THAT up. He used his wrench like a 7-year-old girl might hold it, if she was slightly mentally retarded:

Yes, it is a good thing Lampasas socialist and fake farmer Clayton Tucker has a “memorandum of understanding” to “fix” “his” tractor! Otherwise all the crops might wither and die!

What a complete tool.

Socialist Nerd Continues Tradition of Posing in Front of Vehicles That Don’t Belong to Him.

Hi! I’m Clayton Tucker. I don’t own a blue truck OR a red truck…or ANY kind of truck, for that matter. Turns out you don’t really need a truck when you are a virtual/fake rancher!

But I do these little photo shoots every now and then to give the impression I am a hard-working rancher – when in actuality, I am unemployed and live with my mom at age 32….

***Old staged photo in front of truck that isn’t mine!***

***New staged photo in front of truck that isn’t mine!***

For someone who brags so much on social media about “intermittent fasting”, it sure looks like he is hitting the jelly doughnuts pretty hard. I’m guessing his favorite filling flavor is “semen”.

You know who takes pictures in front of vehicles what aren’t theirs? Chicks.

Guess we can add ANOTHER item to my “proof Clayton Tucker is actually a woman” post from a few months ago!

“Fifth Generation” Rancher Now Has “Several” Goats.

Our local socialist bum and self-proclaimed “fifth-generation rancher” (LOL!) shared some information about ~~his~~ grampa’s ranch recently!

According to Clayton Tucker:

On a personal note, you may find some joy in my latest ranch adventures. I bought my very first donkey this year, a real sweetheart named Penny (she is indeed a true TX Democrat!). I got her to protect our goats–of which we now have several, as I work to build up my family’s ranch. As it turns out, Penny arrived pregnant, so she was a two-for-one special! We named her baby boy Peso.

She’s a true Democrat? Why do you say that? Does she sleep til noon and then steal the food of the other animals who worked all day? The sad thing is she’s the closest thing to a girlfriend you will ever have…but something tells me you’ll be far more interested in her male offspring.

So after five generations of ranchers (or about 130 years), five generations of Tuckers have managed to amass a single donkey and you have “several” goats?

Impressive.

But why would you need to “build up” a ranch that has been in operation for 130 years, according to you? You are about to turn 32 years old. What the hell have you been doing for the last 10 years?

It also means, once again, that I TOO am a rancher and I didn’t even know it! I also had “several goats” and a donkey for about 4 or 5 years. I managed to accomplish that with two phone calls in the course of a week. But I hear you Tuckers are a little slow.

The other hole in his “fifth generation rancher” bullshit story is that he has said on a few occasions that his dad owned an auto parts store. I guess he was one of those “virtual ranchers” as well. Or maybe he shoveled shit once, which makes you a rancher in Clayton’s book.

Say, that reminds me….

Two fake ranchers, Clayton and Beto, are driving down a dirt road when they come across Penny the donkey with her head stuck in the fence.

Beto says “Man I haven’t had any pussy in months!” He jumps out of the ~~truck~~ Prius and just starts banging the donkey like there’s no tomorrow.

Then Beto looks over at Clayton and says “Hey, do you want any of this?” Clayton replies “Sure….but do I have to put my head in the fence?”