It’s the season for giving and generosity, and I am no exception to that rule. It’s especially important to give to the less fortunate – like those humans who were born with a puddle of brown liquid where their cerebrum should be.
This year, I want to make sure local Covid Rat Julie Cain Landrum at Wool & Vine gets a special present. One she can use EVERY DAY. One that keeps her safe from the deadly plague. Something that is so airtight and functional that it DOESN’T MATTER if anyone else in HEB is wearing a mask. So you can mind your own business and stop ratting everyone out.
I give you…..the Narwall Mask:
Now Julie, I expect to see you wearing this at ALL TIMES! You can never be too careful, right? It’ll be delivered to your lemonade stand in the next few days with a nice bow on top.
As unbelievably stupid as these things are, I hope they sell millions. I hope every Covid Rat like Julie Landrum and Covid martyr like Melissa Johnson and Bruce Haywood buys one and wears it 24/7 forever and ever.
Why?
Because then they can stop it with the “I’m wearing a mask for you and you wear a mask for me” bullshit. You see, once this idiotic contraption is in circulation, I can walk around mask-less and you have nothing to bitch about anymore – since you are wearing a completely self-contained, albeit extremely retarded-looking breathing apparatus.
Head MaskTard Melissa Johnson has ALREADY intimated that “75% of us need to get the vaccine”. Why? If you go and get the magic shot, you should be protected and who cares what I do, right? Wrong – because these dunces are all about CONTROL…not protection.
Below is a link to a Covid-19 Risk Assessment Calculator – and I DARE all you Covid rats and martyrs to go and take it.
This thing tells me I have a 0.03% chance of dying if I get it. I can live with that. There are about eight other things FAR more likely to kill me next year.
You’ll notice that the BIG THREE inputs are (1) weight (2) vitamin D levels and (3) smoking. You know what that means? Three of the four BIGGEST influencers on your Covid risk are completely controllable by you.
You can’t control your age, but you can sure as hell control your weight, your vitamin D levels and the number of cigarettes you smoke. We’re 8 months into this thing, and if you haven’t bothered to lose a single pound or take vitamin D supplements to improve your chances, then do me a favor and shut your mouth about me wearing a mask. If YOU don’t care about your health then why the hell should I care about your health?
I know why….because it’s easier to blame everyone else for YOUR lack of motivation. It’s far easier to just whine and browbeat everyone into wearing a mask to protect YOU when you’re doing nothing to protect yourself.
So do us all a favor: buy the stupid Narwall Mask, strap it on, and stfu about Covid for the rest of your sad life.
