Melissa Johnson – The Original Lampasshole

Local Retards Baffled By Eclipse Monetezation

Color me shocked to see two of the dumbest people in town (Melissa “Crazy Cane Lady” Johnson and Jennifer “Moron-o” Sanchez) utterly befuddled that people would want to come to “BFE” Lampasas to watch an eclipse and pay several hundred dollars for the experience. There will not be another total solar eclipse in this area for hundreds of years, at the very least. This is it. It’s kind of a big deal.

“Can’t I just put on some glasses and look up?” asks the quasi-retarded sandwich maker.

Well, yes – if you live here, you dolt. If you live in, say, Ireland or Japan or even Wyoming, then you have to travel…since the eclipse is only visible under a narrow path.

Then Jennifer Moron-o Sanchez gets a very smart mouth and says “NASA must have got it wrong” as dipshit Melissa chimes in in agreement.

Actually, NASA got it right – as did Lisa Dibble. You two retards just don’t know how to read a map and don’t understand the curvature of the earth, apparently.

As you can see, the BLUE LINE (dead center of totality path) goes DIRECTLY over Lampasas. The RED LINE (edge of totality path) is over Austin.

Idiots like Jennifer and Melissa don’t understand this, but if you move just THIRTY MILES from the center line, your totality duration can be cut in half. Totality for Lampasas will be 4 minutes and 25 seconds. Totality in Austin will be only ONE minute and 46 seconds. You can see other times for other cities HERE.

Experts also suggest “driving to a better location” if you live in a shit hole like Austin….

But please, Miss Moron-o Sanchez, by all means get in your car and leave Lampasas (best viewing) and head on down to Austin (not as good). Story of your life, right?

Both of these idiots were HUGE Covid Cult loons who were REPEATEDLY wrong about every single aspect of Covid. I sometimes wonder how people this dumb make it through life. Naturally, they are both liberals, too. The worst part is they yammer on as if they are experts.

[There is only one person in town who has a bigger gap between how smart they THINK they are and how smart they ACTUALLY are – and that is Grady “Man Gravy” Lucas. These two birds are a close second.]

In fact, of all the towns to watch the eclipse in, several knowledgeable eclipse groups have ranked Lampasas in the top five places to watch – thanks to our location and our propensity for clear skies on April 8th. It also happens to be bluebonnet season.

Friendless hermit Melissa Johnson is still scared of her own shadow – just like she was during Covid.

I love how she gives her 100% wrong answer with such authority and certainty! All the big cities in the path are FAR better! Ummm…that is completely not true, dip shit. Yes, yes – let’s listen to the hermit who never leaves her house and has likely never seen a total eclipse in person! Great idea!

By all means, you should skip celebrating this amazing celestial event that will NEVER happen again here in several lifetimes because a few potato chip wrappers might be tossed on the ground and you have to then pick them up. The horror!!

Cool story: My very first total solar eclipse was July 11, 2010. I got to see it on Easter Island. Only 4,000 people on the entire planet got to see this event play out right next to the famous Moai stone heads. I remember hearing about Japanese tourists paying over $10,000 to fly into that airport, watch the eclipse and then fly out that night because there are so few hotel rooms on that tiny island and they had all been reserved years in advance. I reserved my spot FOUR YEARS in advance for that trip.

After this, I was hooked – you can’t understand what a total eclipse is like until you see it in person. I traveled to Cairns Australia for another total eclipse in November of 2012. Totality was not nearly as long (just over 2 minutes), but it was still a very cool event. I also traveled to the outskirts of Missouri for The Great American Eclipse of 2017 (duration 2 minutes and 40 seconds).

One thing I have learned over these three total solar eclipses: eclipse chasers are fucking insane. They will do ANYTHING to get the perfect picture. Do not even talk to them during this event. They don’t want you within 20 feet of their camera rigs and turn into vicious animals if you disrupt them.

Afterwards, they are ready to drink beer and get fucked up and celebrate another successful eclipse. But do NOT approach during totality!

Lampasas has no clue what they are in for. I will be giving out Lampasshole’s Eclipse Tips in the months approaching the event.

Two Years Ago: Reviewing Covid Morons

It’s been nearly two years since a lot of idiots in town (mostly liberals) lost their minds over Covid. The first few weeks were forgivable – we had no clue what we were dealing with. By mid-April, it became obvious very quickly that this was being blown WILDLY out of proportion and only the very old and/or sickly were truly at risk.

That didn’t stop a bunch of idiots like Melissa Johnson, Julie Cain Landrum, Jennifer Moreno, Karen Spivey-Cummings and Potato Head Stephanie Fitzharris from becoming hysterical as their feeble minds broke under the barrage of CNN propaganda.

I hate to say it, but middle-aged females (plus Bruce Haywood) fell for this bullshit the hardest and kept the stupidity alive for another 22 months or so. They were the ones throwing coffee in peoples’ faces and screaming about masks until they were blue in the face. They were the ones riding around in cars by themselves with masks on.

I really question if we should allow them to vote in the future.

I’ll be reviewing some of these morons over the next few months – both for amusement factor and to remind EVERYONE never to listen to these clowns again. About anything.

Melissa “Crazy Cane Lady” Johnson was one of the biggest offenders. I’ve written about her extensively. But here is a gem I found about her pontificating on the schools re-opening in the fall of 2020. Mind you, this moron does NOT EVEN HAVE SCHOOL-AGED KIDS and should have kept her fat mouth shut to begin with.

Let’s see how her rantings have held up over time:

“Just as well if not better than classrooms”? Absolutely, 10,000% wrong. You could not BE more wrong. Remote learning (which Bruce Haywood also demanded) was an unmitigated disaster. Millions of kids’ lives have been ruined and their educations set back YEARS – some will never recover. Melissa and Bruce don’t really care about that. That’s because they are selfish assholes and terrible people.

“Their lives are at risk”. No they weren’t. In fact, females (who comprise a huge majority of teachers) are at far LESS risk than men when it comes to Covid deaths. Women under 45 are at greater risk of being killed in a car accident than by Covid. We knew this early on but morons like Melissa chose to ignore it. So did morons like Cathy Kuehne (ANOTHER middle-aged female!)

“Along with those of children“. Spectacularly wrong again. Your child is more likely to get eaten by a bear than die of Covid. This was DEFINITELY known early on, but scumbag teachers’ unions used fearmongering to avoid going back to work. Imbeciles like Melissa Johnson enabled it and cheer leaded it by spreading MISINFORMATION back in 2020.

“I pray I am wrong”. Don’t worry dear, you were and always are. No surprises there.

“Sounds like a huge disaster”. It wasn’t. Thank god nobody listened to the Crazy Cane Lady and shut down schools in the fall. School started up in August 2020 and ZERO kids or teachers died.

That includes the terrified school teacher Cathy “Pork Chop” Kuehne:

#**Wear your mask! Even though it does nothing! I caught Covid anyways…or maybe it was allergies. Mmmmm, I like pork chops!**

Of course, if we HAD listened to these clowns, the harm would have been MASSIVE. Crazy Cane Lady would have later crawled off into the tall weeds and pretended she never said all this and it wouldn’t have effected her anyways. Which is why we ignore clowns like Crazy Cane Lady and it’s why idiots like her are in charge of NOTHING but their own miserable lives, thankfully.

“I really want to be wrong”. Guess what? You were. Spectacularly so. Please refrain from giving advice in the future about ANYTHING. You lack brains, logic, and critical thinking skills. Please also refrain from voting. Thanks.

Local Moron Melissa Johnson Exposes Herself as Gigantic Hypocrite

The crazy cane lady is back! She has something to say about masks, ya’ll! Apparently some old guy was ridiculed in the Walmart parking lot for wearing a mask recently. Predictably, the hordes came out to publicly signal their virtue about how this was a terrible thing to do. Ironically, many of the SAME ASSHOLES were doing the EXACT SAME THING just last year to those of us who REFUSED to wear a mask.

Fate loves irony.

Our old friend Melissa Johnson had to jump in with her two cents. In the process, she revealed herself to be the giant scumbag hypocrite I always knew her to be:

*It’s “breathe” and “faze you”, you clown horn*

Oh, what’s that? You ALREADY spent your entire life wearing a mask for allergies? Wow. It must have been a HUGE sacrifice for you last year to…wait for it…KEEP wearing a mask as you had been doing your whole life, you absolute scumbag. Funny how you never mentioned that during all of your many Facebook rants against us anti-maskers.

So you sacrificed nothing and made zero changes to your life – then pretended you were doing it “for others”, like a scumbag would do:

Of course, crazy cane lady was too stupid to understand that the giant pollen particles that give her problems are orders of magnitude bigger than the tiny virus she was worried about. The virus actually goes right through the mask – that’s science.

But she doesn’t actually care about science, does she? She just wants payback for all those years of being ridiculed as a dorky mask-wearing kid. What better way to do that than to force EVERYONE to wear a mask AND pretend you’re “doing it for others” – so you can give a little meaning to your meaningless life.

Sad, really.

Eventually, Saint Anthony got caught admitting the same thing about masks – which vindicated us “crazy anti-science conspiracy theorists”

I also love her calling out those people as having “malfunctioning social skills”. LOL. This is the same nerd who thinks she is a member of Starfleet Command at age fifty-something:

**Sweet hairdo…hides your lobotomy scars quite well**

She also says that “those fools will meet up with their own medicine”, in yet another pathetic attempt to seek retribution for her shitty childhood. I can just picture her in her weed-infested yard in front of her hovel shaking her cane at the world and screaming “You’ll be sorry! You’ll see!! You’ll all be VERY sorry!!” like the unhinged Covid Cult loon she is.

Well, I’m sorry, all right – sorry that you’re wrong yet again. I have been mask free for like 19 months now AND I caught Covid. I’m still here alive and kicking and calling you a scumbag. So are about 130 million other people who caught and recovered from Covid – like Porkchop Kuehne.

She must be SO disappointed that the plague didn’t wipe out all of us “fools” who realized the mask was useless and our chances of survival were about 99.99%

But you go ahead and keep wearing that mask, dum-dum. I’m sure you’ll be proven right someday. LOL.

Free Advice To Peanut Gallery

Some of the people I go after on this blog don’t like it one bit. They probably feel very stupid that I use THEIR OWN POSTS against them. I take PUBLICLY POSTED REMARKS by some very dumb people and then rip them to shreds for being hypocrites, morons or incompetent buffoons. I do this using meticulous logic, facts, public records (available to ANYONE) as well as links to documents and photos…and clips of THIER OWN STATEMENTS they have posted PUBLICLY for anyone to see.

(One of the biggest websites in the world is built upon people calling each other out for hypocrisy and lies – it is called Twitter and that speech is protected under the First Amendment. At least for now, until libtards shut it all down.)

You want to call me an asshole for this? Go right ahead! I call myself an asshole. It’s been in the TITLE OF THIS BLOG for 2.5 years, you nitwit. Call me names all you want. It bothers me not a bit. I can take it.

When you attempt – and fail – to refute my logic and facts, go ahead and call me names again because you are frustrated by losing the issue on facts. It doesn’t bother me a bit. This is because I value the opinions of progressive Marxist clowns about as much as I value a smeared turd on the sole of my boot.

But going BEYOND this is a huge legal no-no. Melissa Johnson in particular has said “he was served papers for stalking children“. Ouch. That is what’s known as a 100% falsehood. I call it defamatory and libelous. FALSELY and publicly telling an audience of thousands that somebody has been in trouble with the law for “stalking children” is a serious crime. It is the worst lie you can tell to destroy a man’s reputation and can result in that person being unemployable for the rest of his life.

You know what that means? It means that man has an airtight, knock-down lawsuit for defamation and libel combined with a large cash settlement for loss of earning power. A top-notch lawyer (which I can definitely afford) could put you into the poor house for making such ridiculous (and easily disproved) claims.

I’ve never been “served papers” for stalking anyone in my life – let alone a CHILD. That’s a disgusting and very serious accusation and you better damn well have evidence to back up your defamatory claims. Of course, no such evidence exists – which means you might be in very deep shit, my friend.

I suggest that anyone accusing me of ANY crime do their homework first. I have a spotless record. I have never been in trouble for ANYTHING, let alone stalking.

My only ‘crime’ is being an asshole to those I disagree with.

I have ALSO never EVER sicced a lawyer on ANYONE for a “cease and desist” for calling me names. Ever. This is another 100% lie told by Melissa Johnson. If you have evidence of such a “cease and desist” from me or from an attorney hired by me, feel free to post that evidence on the Internet for all to see.

You can’t. Because I’ve never sent a cease and desist to anyone in my life.

In fact, I’ll publicly state right now that IF any of you nitwits in the peanut gallery can produce a “cease and desist” order from this blog, from me or from a lawyer I hired, I will donate $10,000 to the re-election campaign of Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez AND I will shove a live salmon up my ass on YouTube.

Should be easy enough, right? Produce the “cease and desist” you keep lying about and it’ll cost me $10,000 and a live fish up the ass on YouTube.

I’m giving Melissa Johnson 24 hours to remove her libelous and defamatory post about me “being served papers for stalking children” or I WILL be siccing a lawyer on someone for the first time in my life.

I promise you it will not be pretty – ESPECIALLY since you have just been warned you are spreading defamatory statements that are 100%, easily provable LIES.

If you choose to keep your statements up anyways, well, then it just makes it worse for you since you are now KNOWLINGLY doing so.

You can call me any names you want...but falsely telling the world I am a criminal is absolute and utter horseshit. I don’t take it lightly.

I Have Some Virus Protection Equipment For Sale

Cane-wielding, mandatory mask nannies like Melissa Johnson of Lampasas Texas – who spend their entire day ranting about selfish grandma killers refusing to wear masks – are often themselves wearing flimsy 50 cent masks. If the risks are that real, why don’t you just wear a Tyvek suit and snorkel mask, genius?

If people like Melissa Johnson of Lampasas Texas were ACTUALLY scared, they’d procure the best PPE possible for themselves, instead of attacking everyone else under the delusion that their own life rests in the hands of strangers.

If I was that scared, I’d have no problem buying high-dollar PPE equipment.

But it’s not about that, is it? It’s the fact that many #Karens like Melissa Johnson and Bruce Haywood absolutely RELISH the opportunity to bully/boycott/snitch, while being praised for it by other virtue signalers.

There was an old loon with no brain
Who drives all her neighbors insane
She’ll rant and she’ll bitch
If you’re maskless, she’ll snitch
Before hitting your head with her cane

Today’s Profile: Melissa Johnson – Typical Hypocrite

Melissa Johnson is starting to emerge as one of the loudest and prolific Facebook dunces to challenge Bruce Haywood and Karen Spivey-Cummings as “Covid Clown Prince of Lampasas”. She is vehemently AGAINST in-person school learning, pro-mask at all times and must barely work, since she posts 27 times a day on Facebook.

She claims to be “self-employed” yet also speaks of hitting people with her cane if they come near her without a mask (nice!). So maybe is she is a fake disability sponge? Or just a crazy lady with a cane? Who knows – I don’t know her.

Point being, if she’s ‘self-employed’ yet sits home all day posting pro-mask, climb-back-into-the-womb garbage on Facebook, shutting down the economy probably won’t hurt her a bit. She seems like a donkey who sits IN the cart rather than help pull it. Just like Bruce Haywood.

She’s also a massive hypocrite. Unsurprising for a locust from Oregon. Some examples of her hypocrisy:

Melissa is gung-ho to ruin your kid’s life by wrecking the school system. But this doesn’t affect her either, of course! Her kid is 24 years old and thus already fully grown! THAT is bad enough. Anybody with no kids in the school system should close their pie hole about the ‘danger’ kids face since it doesn’t affect their kids (*cough* Karen Spivey-Cummings*cough*)

Somebody tell Bruce the plandemic is over….

But the hypocrisy goes further and exposes her more. While she is quick to believe every utterance of bullshit from the government when it DOESN’T affect her, she will ignore it completely if in inconveniences her in the least!

Now, turning off your AC is an infinitesimally small sacrifice when compared to destroying an entire $20 trillion economy or a $35 million local school system or wrecking your kid’s education experience and setting them back two years. Right? Frankly, I think this AC suggestion is just more bullshit. But if you are going to swallow some CDC bullshit (like Melissa Johnson and Haywood clearly do) then you swallow it ALL, capice?

Nope. Melissa thinks that’s stupid. She doesn’t want to PERSONALLY sacrifice anything at all!

She’s right, of course…..wait a minute! This remark sounds A LOT like cost/benefit analysis! She accidentally used her brain a tiny bit here and compared one thing to another and weighed the costs and benefits! Holy crap. Congratulations! Now apply that kind of thinking to re-opening the schools!

Like, oh I don’t know….comparing the MASSIVE BENEFITS of keeping kids in school to the INFINITESIMALLY SMALL CHANCE of a Covid death.

See how easy that is?