Color me shocked to see two of the dumbest people in town (Melissa “Crazy Cane Lady” Johnson and Jennifer “Moron-o” Sanchez) utterly befuddled that people would want to come to “BFE” Lampasas to watch an eclipse and pay several hundred dollars for the experience. There will not be another total solar eclipse in this area for hundreds of years, at the very least. This is it. It’s kind of a big deal.
“Can’t I just put on some glasses and look up?” asks the quasi-retarded sandwich maker.
Well, yes – if you live here, you dolt. If you live in, say, Ireland or Japan or even Wyoming, then you have to travel…since the eclipse is only visible under a narrow path.
Then Jennifer Moron-o Sanchez gets a very smart mouth and says “NASA must have got it wrong” as dipshit Melissa chimes in in agreement.
Actually, NASA got it right – as did Lisa Dibble. You two retards just don’t know how to read a map and don’t understand the curvature of the earth, apparently.
As you can see, the BLUE LINE (dead center of totality path) goes DIRECTLY over Lampasas. The RED LINE (edge of totality path) is over Austin.
Idiots like Jennifer and Melissa don’t understand this, but if you move just THIRTY MILES from the center line, your totality duration can be cut in half. Totality for Lampasas will be 4 minutes and 25 seconds. Totality in Austin will be only ONE minute and 46 seconds. You can see other times for other cities HERE.
Experts also suggest “driving to a better location” if you live in a shit hole like Austin….
But please, Miss Moron-o Sanchez, by all means get in your car and leave Lampasas (best viewing) and head on down to Austin (not as good). Story of your life, right?
Both of these idiots were HUGE Covid Cult loons who were REPEATEDLY wrong about every single aspect of Covid. I sometimes wonder how people this dumb make it through life. Naturally, they are both liberals, too. The worst part is they yammer on as if they are experts.
[There is only one person in town who has a bigger gap between how smart they THINK they are and how smart they ACTUALLY are – and that is Grady “Man Gravy” Lucas. These two birds are a close second.]
In fact, of all the towns to watch the eclipse in, several knowledgeable eclipse groups have ranked Lampasas in the top five places to watch – thanks to our location and our propensity for clear skies on April 8th. It also happens to be bluebonnet season.
Friendless hermit Melissa Johnson is still scared of her own shadow – just like she was during Covid.
I love how she gives her 100% wrong answer with such authority and certainty! All the big cities in the path are FAR better! Ummm…that is completely not true, dip shit. Yes, yes – let’s listen to the hermit who never leaves her house and has likely never seen a total eclipse in person! Great idea!
By all means, you should skip celebrating this amazing celestial event that will NEVER happen again here in several lifetimes because a few potato chip wrappers might be tossed on the ground and you have to then pick them up. The horror!!
Cool story: My very first total solar eclipse was July 11, 2010. I got to see it on Easter Island. Only 4,000 people on the entire planet got to see this event play out right next to the famous Moai stone heads. I remember hearing about Japanese tourists paying over $10,000 to fly into that airport, watch the eclipse and then fly out that night because there are so few hotel rooms on that tiny island and they had all been reserved years in advance. I reserved my spot FOUR YEARS in advance for that trip.
After this, I was hooked – you can’t understand what a total eclipse is like until you see it in person. I traveled to Cairns Australia for another total eclipse in November of 2012. Totality was not nearly as long (just over 2 minutes), but it was still a very cool event. I also traveled to the outskirts of Missouri for The Great American Eclipse of 2017 (duration 2 minutes and 40 seconds).
One thing I have learned over these three total solar eclipses: eclipse chasers are fucking insane. They will do ANYTHING to get the perfect picture. Do not even talk to them during this event. They don’t want you within 20 feet of their camera rigs and turn into vicious animals if you disrupt them.
Afterwards, they are ready to drink beer and get fucked up and celebrate another successful eclipse. But do NOT approach during totality!
Lampasas has no clue what they are in for. I will be giving out Lampasshole’s Eclipse Tips in the months approaching the event.