We had a five-alarm emergency today in the Tucker household! The Internet apparently went down for a little bit and Clayton Tucker couldn’t Google himself or “like” any Bernie Sanders tweets during this timeframe.
He was NOT happy:
This is what you do when you are an entitled and spoiled child. You stomp your feet and start a petition over the supposedly shitty rural Lampasas Internet. He probably starts a petition when the lightbulb in his room burns out too.
Just kidding – we all know he yells downstairs to Mom to have her fix it.
I got news for you, Comrade Clayton: the Internet was “down” from the day I was born all the way up until I was about 28 years old. And THEN, we had five years of dial-up dogshit that took 4 hours to download some decent porn, but we were GRATEFUL we even had that! I even figured out how to register to vote in 1988 WITHOUT the Internet.
Amazing, I know.
Only it wasn’t Lampasas at fault for this horrific and life-threatening incident. It was Google.
Oops. But Clayton Tucker doesn’t let trifles like facts get in the way of his caterwauling. OR his fundraising! After you sign the petition, you are directed to donate money to the Lampasas County Socialists Democrats.
Several people signed, but I don’t think they were truly onboard with Clayton Tucker’s Internet improvement mission. I think some of these might be fake?
I guess some of the suggestions spilled over to the other initiatives Tucker is spearheading. Like getting Lampasas a “bark park” and “fixing” the grid:
Hey, I have an idea! Why don’t you just pack up all your shit and move to Austin? I hear they have TONS of “bark parks” and the Internet is blazing fast there. You can watch Ilhan Omar C-SPAN videos in HD 4k resolution all day long. I’ll even PAY for your entire move!
All you gotta do now is convince old mom and dad to buy a condo there so you can keep living the life of a sponge!