Field Guide to Local Fauna

Boobus Lampasicanus in repose
  • Kingdom: Animalia
  • Phylum: Chordata
  • Class: Mamalia
  • Order: Sirenia
  • Family: Lampasicus ignoramus
  • Genus: Moronicus
  • Top speed: Four miles per hour fully charged
  • Mating patterns: Surely you jest
  • Range and habitat: well-worn path between home and grocery store

Many of you may be joining us from a Facebook mention….and I appreciate whoever drove thousands of viewers to this site, as my primary focus is waste and incompetence in local city government. The more people who read and learn about the shenanigans of local governance the better.

But I also consider this site to be educational. Some of you may also be new to the area, so I thought it would be nice to introduce you to some of the very bizarre creatures you may find roaming this part of Texas.

Above is a photo of a typical Boobus Lampasicanus in his native environment. Note the open mouth. This is the default position for this noisy creature – either for loudly spouting idiotic notions at town hall meetings or ingesting Krab Kingz food truck offerings during feeding hours.

This creature emits a warbling sound when excited…a babbling that sounds a lot like “civic CEN-ter….civic CEN-ter“. If approached, he will warble louder and drown out all other animals in the area. Scientists believe this may be a diversionary tactic. The Boobus may believe that if it repeats its nonsense loudly enough or often enough, others may listen to it and take it seriously.

Although not as intelligent as other domesticated animals like the dog or the pig, he has nonetheless been known to form rudimentary thoughts on Facebook by slapping the keyboard with his flipper-like appendages. His lack of dexterity and smarts leads to bizarre punctuation and random capitalization of letters. Almost as if he were trying to mimic real human thoughts. Like a monkey. Only much bigger.

Zoologist Clinton Hart Merriam has described the Boobus as a “slow-witted beast”.

Conservation: this species of Boobus is listed by the World Conservation Union as LC or “least concern” as the Boobus runs rampant in these parts. There is, unfortunately, no risk of extinction for this meddlesome pest.

“Boobus Lampasicanus” Spotted at Town Meeting

Believe it or not, there are actually times I feel sorry for Finley and Misti. The latest local town hall meeting, where they had to politely listen to several morons spout idiotic ideas for wasting tax money is definitely one of those times. Just reading these ideas after the fact made me want to strangle a couple of people for having their head so far up their anus and wasting everyone’s time.

Let me start by explaining: I am of the firm belief that everyone is NOT entitled to their opinion just because they exist and breathe air – because most of those opinions are ill-informed, poorly researched or not thought through at all. They are wish lists compiled by morons who don’t know the first thing about cost benefit analysis.

For example: If I was sitting with a group of Intel engineers who were discussing options for their new 5 nanometer chip fabrication plant, and I insisted on wasting everyone’s time by getting my fair turn at the microphone just because I occupied a chair in the room….I would be a complete and total jerk-off because I know NOTHING about 5 nanometer chip engineering.

But knowing nothing about a topic and not thinking things through has never stopped the species known locally as Boobus Lampasicanus (the common Lampasas Boob) from spouting a bunch of moronic ideas at the town hall meetings.

I am going to name names and take verbal dumps on the heads of these boobs publicly, because I also believe that by pointing them out (rather than politely nodding my head in agreement) and ridiculing them, a lot of bad ideas might get nipped in the bud instead of never dying the death they deserve.

[NOTE: If morons were laughed at and their ideas immediately shot down instead of politely ignored and thus tacitly agreed too, we might not be in the mess we are in today as a country. Imagine if all the rational people ten years ago had laughed at the dangerous liberal boobs who suggested there are actually more than two genders….we would not have grown adult teachers in Texas and elsewhere this very minute giving credence to the ludicrous notion that people are “gender fluid” and there are more genders just than male and female. Nor would we have people being sued or fired for refusing to believe such absurd horseshit].

I am referring, of course, to the idea of a convention center or civic center for the tiny town of Lampasas.

This has to be one of the most idiotic wastes of money ever conceived. I have seen mentions of this in City Council minutes for YEARS. The numbers being thrown around are in the MILLIONS. Pretty sure I saw an estimate of $2.5 million and that was several years ago. It took our local government wizards $1.5 million just to renovate an existing structure [Old City Hall] far smaller than a convention center….so you can count on that $2.5 million ballooning into at LEAST $4 million.

Hell, the tithes to Pope Eckermann ALONE would be in the high six figures, I would guess. If the Pope can milk a water line design for $25,000, imagine the skim and nest feathering on a big project like a civic center – he’d probably be buying a second or third house with the proceeds. Don’t even get me started on the money Monica Can’t-Wright could waste on this with some kind of no-bid public-address system or computerized lighting.

Why does this bad idea keep resurfacing? Because morons like boobus Lampasicanus Bruce “The Rascal” Haywood stand up at a town meeting and spout nonsense like “such a facility would give Lampasas a great way to market itself as a destination and to attract tourists to spend money in the city“.

Are you shitting me?? Does this idiot ACTUALLY THINK people in, say, Austin are going to say to each other: “wow! Lampasas – that piss ant small town about 90 minutes from here – just built a 12,000 square foot convention center! Let’s get our asses up there and blow $500 on something…anything!”

No. They are not. They won’t even come from nearby Cove – since Cove already has a convention center, seeing as how they are FIVE TIMES bigger than we are. Feel free to hold all of your “events” at the Cove Convention Center, Bruce.

We know the COSTS of this monstrosity would likely be $4 million or even $5 million (that is not even counting the ANNUAL COST to run this thing – which could easily run up into six-figures). What would the BENEFITS be?

Good question. All I hear is boobs like Haywood yammer vague assertions about all the “activities” and “events” that could be held there.

LIKE WHAT??

They never specifically say. I’ll make a few guesses:

Weddings? Guess what? A private citizen built a gorgeous wedding facility (Hidden River) for millions of dollars already and it is a stone’s throw from downtown Lampasas. No need to replicate that. It was also done with private money. Imagine that: the free-market taking care of a perceived need without fleecing the taxpayer. Wow.

Concerts? You think Cher or Hootie and the Blowfish are going to drop in and play some shows for us, you idiot? No, they are not. PLUS there are ALREADY several music venues in town provided by PRIVATE citizens risking their own money. Putters & Gutters and Toupsie’s come to mind immediately. How many venues do you need, Bruce? You complete and utter yam bag.

“There is nothing to do here” – which many of the nitwits in this town will complain about until our sun goes supernova, despite having TONS to do for such a small town. We have a ridiculous number of public parks, sports fields and trails for such a small town – and they ALREADY all cost a lot of tax money to keep groomed and maintained. The aforementioned Putters & Gutters has about 25 different things to keep you entertained. I have NEVER seen Bruce Haywood stick his head into that place….and I have to think he’d be very hard to miss.

Rodeo? Well, Council has already wasted hundreds of thousands of tax dollars on THAT horrible idea years ago [580 sports complex]…and it is used maybe a couple times a year, as far as I see. Not to mention there is ALREADY a rodeo facility nearby which can be rented out for about $500 per day.

So let’s hear it Bruce! What are all the BENEFITS of this badly-conceived civic center idea you love so much, you unmitigated clown horn?

NEXT POST: we will dig into another town hall boobus Lampasicanus named Janet Crozier who wasted everyone’s time by complaining the city needs to squander more resources by expanding its recycling program.