FBI Completely Stymied By 20-Year-Old Loser’s Cell Phone.

There’s a $2 billion NSA data center in Utah that spies on all of our phones except for one owned by some 20-year-old would-be assassin who looks strangely like Liz Warren.

Here’s the official story so far: a random 20 year old acting completely alone walked within 150 yards of a presidential campaign rally with a rifle, climbed onto a rooftop in full view of Secret Service snipers, set up his shot and fired without anyone intervening and with no help from anyone.

This 20 year old is also so politically radical as to attempt an assassination and yet not radical enough to have ever posted any political writings or commentary on any social media site ever in his life.

He also wrote no manifesto and left behind no indication about why he did it. His last and only political act, before attempting to kill the Republican candidate, was to register as a Republican.

You must believe this and ask no questions about it or else you are a conspiracy theorist. And one thing we know about assassination attempts is that there’s never any conspiring involved.

Oh, he also tried to join his school’s rifle club but his aim was SO BAD he hit one side wall instead of the one with the target…so yeah definitely the person to attempt a hitjob.