54 years ago yesterday, Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy drove off a bridge while drunk in Chappaquiddick Island, Massachusetts and left his campaign worker Mary Jo Kopechne to drown in the car.
Teddy on his walk back to the party cottage passed by 4 homes but didn’t stop at any of them to call for help. He instead got two of his buddies and drove back to the crash where they dove into the water. Still, no one bothered to call for help. It wasn’t until Teddy learned Mary Jo’s body had been recovered did he go to the police station.
The only punishment Kennedy received was a two month suspended jail sentence for fleeing the scene of an accident and he went on to serve in the senate until the day he died.
When Ted died in 2009, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I celebrated all day and bought about $500 worth of shots and drinks at my local dive bar.
He was then buried at Arlington National Cemetery – which was a complete travesty. He doesn’t belong there. Plus it made it WAY harder for me to piss on his grave, since desecrating a military grave carries a much higher penalty.
Know what I did? When I visited Arlington Cemetery, I carried with me what appeared to be a Big Gulp drink filled with some kind of soft drink. It was actually filled with 32 ounces of my own piss.
When I finally meandered around to Ted’s grave, I knelt down to “tie my shoe” and then “accidentally” spilled my huge cup of my own piss all over Ted’s grave.
Fuck you Ted. You piece of shit.