I’m crapping you negative.
I think Assistant To The City Manager (ATTCM) Ryan “Dwight Schrute” Ward has way too much time on his hands if he’s sitting around dreaming up this shit. I think the only thing he has done so far in his six-month tenure is (1) come up with more and more ridiculous ways to waste money and (2) misspell the word ’employees’ in all public correspondence. I’ll get to #2 later.
Apparently having salaries that are far higher than the private sector isn’t enough. Getting random COLA raises isn’t enough. Getting 2-1 retirement matching isn’t enough. Getting ‘longevity pay’ just for hanging around a long time isn’t enough. Getting weeks and weeks of paid vacation isn’t enough. Getting paid sick days that accrue at the rate of 3.69 hours per bi-weekly pay period isn’t enough. Getting every ridiculous federal holiday like Columbus Day and Junteenth Day off isn’t enough.
No, Ryan Schrute wants more. He suggests the following [see page 48] ludicrous benefits be implemented for the City of Lampasas:
PTO for ‘health milestones’ – I can’t copy/paste this tripe and sure don’t want to re-type it, so here is the photo:
I only included this snapshot to back up one of my long-time assertions [see “Spinley deGraffenreid entry HERE] – that “his number one priority is growing the size of government and increasing their salaries and benefits”….and now I have that admitted by them in black and white.
I mean it says it RIGHT THERE: our employees are our number one priority.
In reality, their #1 priority should be shit like filling potholes or making sure clean water comes out of their pipes or being careful stewards of the taxpayers money or serving the citizen efficiently. But that is a joke, of course. The number on priority for Finley and Dwight is looking out for his own – not for the taxpayer.
But here is the funny part:
Ignoring for a moment the monumental unworkability of this hare-brained scheme, it sounds like something out of high school. Complete idiocy. Are you going to weigh employees to see if they’ve made progress? See how much they bench press? Are you going to use a percentage of weight lost (rather than a raw number) to make it fair for the people who are already in decent shape. Maybe put them on a treadmill and test their VOx? What about those employees who are in great shape already? I guess they’re fucked and get nothing? Or maybe they deliberately gain weight just to lose it again for a free week off. Like I said – a very stupid scheme that is ripe for abuse if they ever implement it.
I doubt this dumb idea will ever see the light of day simply because it would have to be so complicated, it is not workable. But to life-long bureaucrats like Dwight Schrute Ward, it seems like an awesome idea. What does that tell you?
The second suggestion is even more ridiculous:
Dwight thinks it should be $5 for City employees. Shit, why stop there? Just make it free. Maybe throw in some free golf balls and naked lady tees while you’re at it….
So the Special Protected Class known as “City Employee” should get a much larger discount than seniors or military. Because they are so important and they are a Number One Priority!
The balls on this jabroni! Unbelievable. Greens fees are ALREADY very reasonable, if you ask me. If some fucker who owns a $400 driver can’t afford to pay the regular green fee then maybe it’s time to give up the game. Here are the VERY REASONABLE fees for the local course:
But Dwight thinks that’s too much. He wants it to be $5 for the Royalty known as the “City Employee”. Naturally, he manages to get the math wrong in his example:
Umm, the proposed cost for playing nine holes would be your ridiculous $5 fee plus the $13 for cart rental. That equals $18, my man – not $17. Better go back to Assistant to the City Manager School and brush up on your math.
I love how he rationalizes this horseshit too: hey, the mooch who is only paying $5 will bring others who get to pay full price! So you’re actually getting a good deal!
Only in the mind of a life-long seat-polishing Nerf Job Holder does this make any sense. Maybe I’ll try this at a local restaurant: let me eat my steak and lobster for free and I’ll bring in two other friends who will pay full price. Deal??
Of course, the rational restaurant owner will point out that I myself am taking up the food that COULD have been sold for full price to somebody else. Dwight must think that Van Berry is a moron or something.
It’s also insulting that he claims the course is “subsidized” from the general fund. If Dwight did his homework, he’d see that the golf course brings in a HUGE pile of money every year. A number that grew strongly during and after Covid. It is practically a business unto itself.
If anyone or anything in City government is “subsidized” it’s Ryan Ward’s very existence – he sucks $158,000 tax dollars away from the citizen annually and produces nothing but bad ideas and superfluous apostrophes.
Remember: if you’re REALLY REALLY good and eat your peas and carrots and lose some weight, you will be awarded some Schrutebucks as a reward!!
