Now, where were we? Oh yes. We need to find $30,000 in the budget so we can pay a wage that attracts workers in a free market, open the pool and thus save the sanity of parents all over town. Original Lampasshole to the rescue once again.
FIRST: your admission prices are WAY too low. Bringing kids to the pool is essentially a substitute for babysitting. Parents who have been locked in with young kids for the last two months will appreciate this fact. I see admission is $2.50 for the entire day! According to the budget [page 6] you make about $40,000 per year in admissions revenue. You need to double the admission to $5 immediately…and ONLY Lampasas residents are allowed in the pool. Period.
BAM. I just doubled your revenue to $80,000. Maybe a bit less as some cheapskates will cry that $5 is too much to keep junior busy for hours and hours. Screw them – that’s a very fair price. It costs money to run a pool, and as far as I can see, the City ALREADY runs a deficit each year on Hanna pool of approximately $80,000 every single season [expenses of $150k versus revenue of $66k] . So users are ALREADY getting a deal. Anybody cries? Tell them to pound sand and explain that without raising wages there will be no pool at all. If you can pay $7 for a freaking Mojo coffee every morning, you can pay $5 to wear your kids out at the pool for three hours, moron. Don’t like it? Feel free to keep them at home all day and lose your sanity. I suspect they will shut up real quick and hand over a finski.
ALSO – your season pass pricing is VERY poorly structured…and based on “family” instead of “persons”. Forget $125 for a “family” – every hillbilly family with eight members within a half-mile of that pool will be subsidized by everyone else. Eight people take up way more room in a pool than three, yet you charge the same price. Totally idiotic. It should be $70 per person per year. Period. Drop the “per family” nonsense. If anybody whines about it, see above argument about pounding sand.
Secondly, your group pricing sucks. You only charge $75 per hour for private parties of 25 people?? Nonsense. Double that too. BAM – you just went from $8,000 per year to $16,000 per year in “rentals/parties” [page 6] revenue.
I just found $48,000 for you dummies in about 5 minutes – which is WAY more than you need. Ya’ll paying attention?? There’s more….
Thirdly, I hear from friends that there are anywhere from 8 to 10 lifeguards working in the pool AT THE SAME TIME!! Assuming this is accurate, that is ridiculous. Reduce that number! If there is some retarded Texas law about how many lifeguards per gallon of pool water or something, then go to the bare minimum. Eight or ten lifeguards in a pool that size is RIDICULOUS and unneeded. I used to lifeguard in an Olympic-sized pool with ONE other guy. We each had a side and were posted in the middle of the pool. Between us, we could reach anywhere in the pool in under 10 seconds.
BAM – just saved you another $10,000 assuming you can cut the work force by 10%. Pay more, get a higher-quality worker and jettison the useless turds. Leaner and meaner.
So….I basically just pulled $58,000 out of my Lampasshole in a few minutes. If that doesn’t spin your head, I have some other ideas:
- Reduce Mandy’s Walsh’s salary by $30,000. See if she sticks around for her Facebook Nerf job for a mere $71,000 in salary and benefits. My bet is she will.
- Knock $3,000 off the salaries of the 10 highest paid City Hall employees. Don’t worry – they won’t leave either.
- Take $30,000 from the LEDC. They skim over $300,000 PER YEAR from the tax payers with nothing to show for it but an empty ‘business park’ and a bunch of gay #LampasasRising posts. Mandy/City council had no trouble bending the rules and handing out $100,000 in FREE MONEY to over 50 businesses affected by the Wuhan Flu after about two minutes of discussion. They can cough up $30k for local kids to work the pool. Call it “economic development” of high school wages, ya dummy!
Hell, put the golf course guy Van Berry on this stuff. He’s the only one of you knuckleheads who has to deal with money coming IN as well as OUT. He runs a tight ship over there and understands getting fees to cover expenses. Then throw the guy a $5,000 bonus for fixing your mess.
Anything else you want to know? Go do it. Class is over.