The “Tree Police” post has really brought in the readers. I’d hate for all you new people to miss out on the inside jokes…so here is a reprint of our “Glossary of Terms:
Boobus Lampasicanus: species native to Lampasas…see our encyclopedia entry HERE. See also “Bruce Haywood“.
Bruce Haywood: Lampasas resident who LOVES Krab Kingz food truck, filling out on-line surveys and attending town hall meetings. Dislikes: sales tax on groceries. Is known for being 100% wrong on every issues he babbles about. For example, he publicly predicted a landslide victory for Hillary Clinton in 2016 and is a big supporter of a civic center in Lampasas. See also Boobus Lampasicanus
Business Park – never-ending boondoggle dreamed up by LEDC and City morons on Highway 183 south of town. Well over $1,500,000.00 has been spent on this 165-acre weed patch. Much like a WWII ‘cargo cult’ in that the idiots at the LEDC think if they somehow mimic a successful enterprise, manna will drop from the skies. See also: weed patch and corpse repository.
“BuyBoard“: A magic word used by Finley to absolve himself of blame when he is caught red-handed paying WAY more for something than any sane human would find reasonable – after not bothering to send the project out for bidding. Examples include the $95,000 audio/visual system and the $185,000 Campbell Park bathroom. [Supposedly the “BuyBoard” member vendors are pre-selected as totally awesome government contractors because they are so reasonably priced. I have seen ZERO evidence of this].
Civic Center: An absolutely terrible idea (see also: turd) championed and adored by some of our elected officials as well as Bruce Haywood and other local dunces. The massive costs to construct and operate this civic center are ignored while vague phantom benefits like “a place for activities” are touted. Prime example of a turd that gets buried in City Council’s litter box for a while and then brought out and polished every few years (reintroduced and repackaged). See also “turd polishing” and “turd burying“.
Drunken sailor: Nickname for current Mayor Misti Talbert, for her propensity to spend “like a drunken sailor” on shore leave. Whether it is constant raises and increased benefits for every city worker, creation of a new Assistant City Manager position, a $185,000 bathroom, a $95,000 A/V system, or a $150,000 gift to local developers, Misti equates reckless spending with being a good elected official, apparently.
Eager Beaver CorViver: Any eager but naive person involved in an MLM (*pyramid-shaped*) scheme started by Jeremy “Meatball” Fouts at CorVive. Large numbers of Lampassholes were deluded into thinking they would become rich selling overpriced protein powders and laxatives to other Lampassholes. This fad raged from approximately December 2018 through June 2019. A dark chapter in Lampasas history and an interesting example of mass delusion and the madness of crowds. Similar to other MLM pyramid fads like LimeLife, Monat, Advocare and Plexus. CorVive has nothing at all to do with City Council but I hate seeing snake-oil salesmen prey on people.
Ferrari of A/V systems: Audio/visual system the City purchased from Azbell Electronics for $95,000 without putting the project out for bid…also part of Misti Talbert’s signature $1.5 million “vanity project” to remodel Old City Hall. The City had ALREADY bid and awarded the contract to Broadcast Works for $34,000 but The Seven Goldfish apparently forgot this. Finley later re-wrote history and invoked the magic “BuyBoard” phrase to grant himself immunity….but we dug out the truth here at this blog.
Fishbowl: Where The Seven Goldfish swim on the second and fourth Mondays of every month during City council meetings. See also “vanity project” and “wow! factor“
Goldfish Economics: An economic system whereby City council wastes massive amounts of money in hopes of ‘attracting high paying jobs’ or just growth in general. Many times, it involves deliberately paying double or triple what a job should cost. It also often involves The Seven Goldfish forgetting they had a way better deal previously. Examples include the Azbell Electronics debacle of 2018, the Old City Hall rehab, and handing out hundreds of thousands of tax dollars to developers to rip out huge oak trees.
“Greasy” Chris Harrison: Former City Council member who ran for office on a small-government platform but who later went begging his former City Council buddies for $150,000 in free money for his new employer S2M2 Inc to build a detention pond in their new development. He also happens to own a dirt works company. Total coincidence, I am sure.
Haywoodian: adjective used to describe anything that is massive in size. For example: Michael Moore is a socialist scumbag and hypocrite of Haywoodian proportions. [Entymology – Haywood + ian] Origin 20th century, referring to Bruce Haywood – a Lampasshole of hefty proportions.
Janet Yoder Kraeff-Crozier-Thunberg: a locust from Norton OH and later Austin who spends every waking hour scheming of ways to implement a massively expensive and useless recycling program here in Lampasas. She has been partially successful, unfortunately. She is also a ‘life coach’ and believes autistic people are clairvoyant.
Joker: Nickname for Kristy Acevedo, City Network Administrator and underling of Monica Can’t-Wright. Her arched eyebrows and makeup bear a striking resemblance to Jack Nicholson’s Joker character in the 1989 movie Batman. Also, since TSM Consulting is already paid $1,800 a month by the city for ‘network support’, her redundant position is, in fact, an expensive joke.
Locust: any liberal idiot who moves here from the north (or California…or Austin) to escape high taxes but then works non-stop to implement the same stupid liberal programs (like recycling) that ruined their former home cities . See also: Janet Yoder Kraeff-Crozier-Thunberg.
“Look it up, Monica”: Phrase used in many blog posts when a vocabulary word might puzzle someone with less than an 8th-grade education. Usually linked to the definition, since Monica reads here daily.
Monica Can’t-Wright: Humorous nickname for Monica Wright (City IT Director) due to her constant mangling of the English language in private City emails. Frequently seen with her sidekick and underling – The Joker.
Pope Eckermann: Local engineer Derrek Eckermann, whose firm (Eckermann Engineering) seems to get every single City (and LEDC) engineering contract without question or bid at what appears to be outrageous fees. Whether we are discussing water lines, land surveys, geotechnical surveys, business park development, possible civic centers, a $185k crapper in the park, or perhaps even just Mayor Talbert considering buying dinner for City Council, Pope Eckermann is consulted and large tithes (tax dollars) are handed over for his blessing. These tithes run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. See also “tithes“.
Ransomware attack: computer attack on August 16, 2019 which crippled City systems for roughly ten days. About 20 other cities in Texas were affected (2000 Texas cities were not). The IT Department has never publicly explained how it happened and all my efforts to uncover the truth have been stonewalled. My current cost estimate of this screw-up is over $39,000 in new equipment. The Joker and Monica Can’t-Wright are somehow still employed after this debacle.
Rickie Roy: Current Public Works director and general kicker of ass. Rickie gets shit done and doesn’t waste time. His voice could make a wolverine purr and Rickie’s City council presentations are the BOMB. One time, a cobra bit Rickie Roy in the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Seven Goldfish: Refers to the six City Council members and the Mayor – and their tendency to forget important details due to having the memories of goldfish. Examples include (1) handing out a no-bid A/V contract to Azbell after already voting to award the same contract to Broadcast Works for FAR less money and (2) giving the go-ahead for a no-bid $185,000 bathroom in Campbell Park when the exact same bathroom was pitched a couple years earlier for $105,000. (3) Selling a building for $75,000 and then buying the same building back less than 24 months later for $229,000. The poor memories of these Seven Goldfish seem to ALWAYS cost the taxpayer money.
“Spinley” deGraffenried: Nickname for City Manager Finley deGraffenried. Finley has been running the City since approximately the time planet Earth cooled and formed a hardened crust. His number one priority is growing the size of City government while increasing benefits and salaries for those employees. His number two priority is making sure that no matter how badly a City employee screws up, they are never held accountable or fired. His nickname comes from his ability to spin tall tales of bullshit such as “the computer attacks were unrelated” or “we didn’t need to bid that project” or “Old City Hall will be ready in January of 2019” or “Old City Hall rehab ‘only’ cost $1.02 million.“
Taj Mahal: New Lampasas County jail which is costing us roughly $18 million dollars (plus most recently, another $50,000 in change orders). If I had my way: (1) we would not waste jail space with victimless ‘crimes’ like owning/smoking a plant – which would greatly reduce the number of jail cells needed….and (2) those Lampassholes who commit REAL crimes like theft or assault or vandalism would be thrown on a chain gang every day to pick up garbage on the highway or pull weeds in the creek instead of lounging in an $18 million Taj Mahal with hot water and three meals a day. Perhaps THAT would incentivize them to behave. But hey…what the hell do I know. I’m old-fashioned.
Tithes: Massive sums of tax dollars handed over to Pope Eckermann in order to get his blessing on any project under consideration. These tithes are often given whether the project is ever started or not (see: civic center). See also “Pope Eckermann“
Turd polishing/burying: the act of City Council forgetting about a terrible idea (civic center, rodeo arena, business park, recycling, tree police, etc) for a little while but then resurrecting the same awful idea over and over and trying to make it sound palatable (polishing a turd) – usually at the urging of a Boobus Lampasicanus at a town hall meeting. The civic center turd has been subject to several cycles of burying, uncovering and polishing over the years.
Vanity project: The $1,500,000.00 Old City Hall renovation and new City Council chambers championed by current Mayor Misti Talbert. Was supposed to be completed approximately December of 2018….still not finished and is wildly over budget. If it ever opens, you will get to see the “Ferrari of A/V systems” and the magic $126,000 elevator. See also “Wow! factor“
Weed patch: A 165-acre albatross around the neck of the Lampasas Economic Development Corporation (LEDC). They refer to it as a shovel-ready “business park” but that is a total misnomer (look it up, Monica) as there are no actual businesses in the ‘park’. However, one less-than-intelligent murderer mistook the term “shovel-ready” and brought a fresh corpse there to be hidden. Over $2.2 million dollars have been wasted on this monstrosity with no end in sight. See also: corpse repository and business park.
Wow! factor: Actual phrase found in City Council minutes (page 3) to justify the spending of outrageous sums (currently around $1.5 MILLION) on a new City Council chambers and renovation of Old City Hall. It is not specified who actually used this phrase, but I suspect it was Misti “Drunken Sailor” Talbert. See also: vanity project