All of you new readers might be confused by some of the terms used here. This blog has been in operation for almost four years, and we wouldn’t want you to miss any of the inside jokes.
Boobus Lampasicanus: species native to Lampasas…see our encyclopedia entry HERE. See also “Bruce Haywood“.
Bruce Haywood: Lampasas resident [and useless eater] who LOVES Krab Kingz food truck, filling out on-line surveys and attending town hall meetings. Dislikes: sales tax on groceries. Is known for being 100% wrong on every issues he babbles about. For example, he publicly predicted a landslide victory for Hillary Clinton in 2016, is a big supporter of a civic center in Lampasas, and was VERY much for an idiotic solar farm in March of 2022 that everyone with a brain was against. See also Boobus Lampasicanus
Business Park – never-ending boondoggle dreamed up by LEDC and City morons on Highway 183 south of town. Well over $7,000,000.00 has been spent on this 165-acre weed patch. See also: weed patch and corpse repository.
“BuyBoard“: A magic word used by Finley to absolve himself of blame when he is caught red-handed paying WAY more for something than any sane human would find reasonable – after not bothering to send the project out for bidding. Examples include the $95,000 audio/visual system and the $185,000 Campbell Park bathroom. [Supposedly the “BuyBoard” member vendors are pre-selected as totally awesome government contractors because they are so reasonably priced. I have seen ZERO evidence of this].
Civic Center: An absolutely terrible idea (see also: turd) championed and adored by some of our elected officials as well as Bruce Haywood and other local dunces. The massive costs to construct and operate this civic center are ignored while vague phantom benefits like “a place for activities” are touted. Prime example of a turd that gets buried in City Council’s litter box for a while and then brought out and polished every few years (reintroduced and repackaged). See also “turd polishing” and “turd burying“.
Clayton Tucker: Local Marxist [and useless eater] who lives with his parents. He loves Bernie Sanders, Robert Francis O’Rourke, The Green New Deal, and anything else that will destroy America and/or the Great State of Texas. Fake rancher AND fake farmer. Got his ass stomped hard when he ran for City council. Has never held a real job in his life. Chairman of Lampasas Democrats.
Community Garden: Disastrous “brainchild” of Janet “Crazier” Crozier where piles of money disappear into a black hole of stupidity. They have spent over $15,000, $23,000 $49,000 sent an injured old lady to the hospital, and managed to get ALL their tools stolen because she was too stupid to get a lockable tool shed.
** As of July 20, 2023, they had produced roughly 400 pounds of vegetables. Giving them an average cost of $105/lb. HEB foolishly sells their produce for between 80 cents and $1.10 per pound **
Drunken sailor: Nickname for former Mayor [2017-2021] Misti Talbert, for her propensity to spend “like a drunken sailor” on shore leave. Whether it is constant raises and increased benefits for every city worker, creation of a new Assistant City Manager position, a $180,000 bathroom, a $95,000 A/V system, or a $185,000 gift to local developer S2M2, Misti equates reckless spending with being a good elected official, apparently.
Dwight Schrute – Nickname for Assistant To The City Manager Ryan Ward – due to his propensity to come up with elaborate schemes (similar to Schrute Bucks) that cost the taxpayers piles of money in the end. Schrute was hired in Jan 2022 for $110,000 per year (national average for his position is around $85,000) and was quickly given a COLA in July 2021 of 3%. Given ANOTHER raise in October 2022 for the new fiscal year – currently earns $120,000 per year. His idiotic schemes include: PTO for losing weight, $5 greens fees for City employees, and a $38,000 software system for keeping track of employees’ time off. See also: Forrest Gump
Eager Beaver CorViver: Any eager but naive person involved in an MLM (*pyramid-shaped*) scheme started by Jeremy “Meatball” Fouts at CorVive. Large numbers of Lampassholes were deluded into thinking they would become rich selling overpriced protein powders and laxatives to other Lampassholes. This fad raged from approximately December 2018 through June 2019. A dark chapter in Lampasas history and an interesting example of mass delusion and the madness of crowds. Similar to other MLM pyramid fads like LimeLife, Monat, Advocare and Plexus. CorVive has nothing at all to do with City Council but I hate seeing snake-oil salesmen prey on people.
Eco-Strong: a sham business run by Mike Cour. For much of 2020, they were the secret “prospective tenant” of the LEDC ‘business’ park. The whole thing blew sky high at the beginning of 2021 when The Original Lampasshole exposed Mike Cour and Alan Champagne as scum bag con men.
Ferrari of A/V systems: Audio/visual system the City purchased from Azbell Electronics for $95,000 without putting the project out for bid…also part of Misti Talbert’s signature $1.5 million “vanity project” to remodel Old City Hall. The City had ALREADY bid and awarded the contract to Broadcast Works for $34,000 but The Seven Goldfish apparently forgot this. Finley later re-wrote history and invoked the magic “BuyBoard” phrase to grant himself immunity….but we dug out the truth here at this blog.
Finger Puppets: Any Director of a City department with Finley’s hand up their butt, allowing him to control them like a sock puppet. Supposedly, the department heads are autonomous but in the cases of the IT and LEDC, Department heads refuse to act with any authority and instead act as a Finley Finger Puppet, letting him make them dance and make official responses for them instead.
Fishbowl: Where The Seven Goldfish swim on the second and fourth Mondays of every month during City council meetings. [See also “vanity project” and “wow! factor“]
Goldfish Economics: An economic system whereby City council wastes massive amounts of money in hopes of ‘attracting high paying jobs’ or just growth in general. Many times, it involves deliberately paying double or triple what a job should cost. It also often involves The Seven Goldfish forgetting they had a way better deal previously. Examples include the Azbell Electronics debacle of 2018, the Old City Hall rehab, and handing out hundreds of thousands of tax dollars to developers to rip out huge oak trees. [see also: ‘weed patch’]
Grady “Man Gravy” Lucas: local fat libslob who is a HUGE proponent of exposing little kids to porn and homosexual male groomers dressed up like cheap female hookers. STILL petrified of Covid as of 8/17/23. Keeps getting “vaccines” and boosters even though he is STILL catching Covid.
Has worst case of Trump Derangement Syndrome I’ve ever seen – even more so than Bruce Haywood! Grady is under the impression he is some kind of genius – even though his business failed in 2009 and he has done nothing since then except post dog memes and shit all over the great state of Texas and their “dumb ass” citizens. He STILL lives here – likely because his mother doesn’t own a house in another state where he can move to and mooch there instead.
After moving his mother into a nursing home and moving into HER house (Norma Banta), Grady posted a “GoFundMe” to “help repair my mother’s house” – making it sound like it was for HER when it was really to benefit HIMSELF, as he was now living there. He is a giant piece of shit.
“Greasy” Chris Harrison: Former City Council member who ran for office on a small-government platform but who later went begging his former City Council buddies for $185,000 in free money for his new employer S2M2 Inc to build a detention pond in their new development. He also happens to own a dirt works company. Total coincidence, I am sure.
Haywoodian: adjective used to describe anything that is massive in size. For example: Michael Moore is a socialist scumbag and hypocrite of Haywoodian proportions. [Entymology – Haywood + ian] Origin 20th century, referring to Bruce Haywood – a Lampasshole of hefty proportions.
Hostess House Debacle – the latest useless, unneeded overpriced project dreamed up by The Goldfish. Initially when they took it over, they said it needed some minor cosmetic repairs. NOW, it has turned into a $200,000 $1.4 million $1.88 million $2.14 million dollar project.
Janet Yoder “Crazier” Kraeff-Crozier: a locust from Norton OH and later Austin who spends every waking hour scheming of ways to implement a massively expensive and useless recycling program here in Lampasas. She has been partially successful, unfortunately. She is also a ‘life coach’ and believes autistic people are clairvoyant. Her latest project (November 2020) is convincing City council to waste money on her “community garden” project. [see also: ‘Community Garden‘]
Joker: Nickname for Kristy Acevedo, City Network Administrator and underling of Monica Can’t-Wright. Her arched eyebrows and makeup bear a striking resemblance to Jack Nicholson’s Joker character in the 1989 movie Batman. Also, since TSM Consulting is already paid $1,800 a month by the city for ‘network support’, her redundant position is, in fact, an expensive joke.
Locust: any liberal idiot who moves here from the north (or California…or Austin) to escape high taxes but then works non-stop to implement the same stupid liberal programs (like recycling) that ruined their former home cities . See also: Janet Yoder Kraeff-Crozier-Thunberg and Michelle D Moore-Rodriguez.
“Look it up, Monica”: Phrase used in many blog posts when a vocabulary word might puzzle someone with less than an 8th-grade education. Usually linked to the definition, since Monica reads here daily.
Mask Nazi: Also known as “maskholes”. Low IQ libtards who have no grasp of physics or geometry and who think a coronavirus that is smaller than one micron in diameter will somehow be stopped by a flimsy (and usually improperly worn) mask. Despite this, they are in favor of forcing EVERYONE into their idiot scheme. They also think a chain-link fence will stop a mosquito. See also: scared rabbit.
Michelle D Moore-Rodriguez: deeply tarded local locust[and useless eater] from California. This scumbag actually WORKED FOR the Santa Clara County Department of Tax and Collections. Then she decided it was too expensive in California and the schools were shit. So she swarmed like a locust to Texas. Once here, she complained incessantly about all the Trump supporters and suggested they all belonged to the KKK. She is a TRUE twat in every sense of the word.
Monica Can’t-Wright: Humorous nickname for Monica Wright (City IT Director) due to her constant mangling of the English language in private City emails. Frequently seen with her sidekick and underling – The Joker.
Pope Eckermann: Local engineer Derrek Eckermann, whose firm (Eckermann Engineering) seems to get every single City (and LEDC) engineering contract without question or bid at what appears to be outrageous fees. Whether we are discussing water lines, land surveys, geotechnical surveys, business park development, possible civic centers, a $185k crapper in the park, or perhaps even just Mayor Talbert considering buying dinner for City Council, Pope Eckermann is consulted and large tithes (tax dollars) are handed over for his blessing. These tithes run into the hundreds of thousands of dollars. See also “tithes“.
Potato Head Stephanie Fitzharris: My god – where to start? Another libslob fleeing her former lib cities and states (Oregon, Santa Monica CA, Austin Tx). Daughter of local moron Janet Yoder Kraeff-Crozier (see above).
Recently bought her mother’s house on Spring Street. Currently trying to ingratiate herself into the Lampasas social scene posing as a conservative. That is a lie – HERE is the complete list of her past liberal idiocy. HUGE supporter of forced masking, forced vaccination, BLM, Joe Biden and Clayton Tucker for City council.
Ransomware attack: computer attack on August 16, 2019 which crippled City systems for roughly ten days. About 20 other cities in Texas were affected (2000 Texas cities were not). The IT Department has never publicly explained how it happened and all my efforts to uncover the truth have been stonewalled. My current cost estimate of this screw-up is over $39,000 in new equipment. The Joker and Monica Can’t-Wright are somehow still employed after this debacle.
RKJ Construction Elevator Ripoff: Yet another rip-off during The Great City Hall Remodel of 2019. Council members foolishly IGNORED the lowest bid on the table ($96,000) and instead got bent over for more than $128,000. A year and five service calls later, the City entered into an expensive service contract to keep their shitty elevator running.
Rickie Roy: Current Public Works director Retired Assistant City Manager and general kicker of ass. Rickie gets shit done and doesn’t waste time. His voice could make a wolverine purr and Rickie’s City council presentations are the BOMB. One time, a cobra bit Rickie Roy in the leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Scared Rabbit: Anyone who is irrationally petrified with fear over Wuhan Flu and unable to comprehend the simple statistics that show who it effects and how deadly it is by age, gender and co-morbidities. They also tend to be Mask Nazis. Scared rabbits think we should all hide in our holes until a miracle cure is found to totally eradicate Wuhan Flu forever. Local rabbits include Melissa Johnson, Bruce Haywood, Julie Cain Landrum, Stephanie Fitzharris, Jennifer Sanchez (Moreno), Karen Spivey-Cummings, Lee Morey, Hubert “Heath Bishop” Humperdink, and Chris McDaniel. Rabbits tend to skew extremely liberal and low IQ.
Seven Goldfish: Refers to the six City Council members and the Mayor – and their tendency to forget important details due to having the memories of goldfish. Examples include (1) handing out a no-bid A/V contract to Azbell after already voting to award the same contract to Broadcast Works for FAR less money and (2) giving the go-ahead for a no-bid $185,000 bathroom in Campbell Park when the exact same bathroom was pitched a couple years earlier for $105,000. (3) Selling a building for $75,000 and then buying the same building back 15 months later for $229,000. (4) Telling us in Feb 2020 that the electric fund was healthy with gobs of money and then raising electricity rates 7 months later.
The poor memories of these Seven Goldfish seem to ALWAYS cost the taxpayer money. **UPDATE** – after recent elections, there are only TWO goldfish on council: Williamson and Kuehne.
“Spinley” deGraffenried: Nickname for City Manager Finley deGraffenried. Finley has been running the City since approximately the time planet Earth cooled and formed a hardened crust. His number one priority is growing the size of City government while increasing benefits and salaries for those employees. His number two priority is making sure that no matter how badly a City employee screws up, they are never held accountable or fired. His nickname comes from his ability to spin tall tales of bullshit such as “the computer attacks were unrelated” or “we didn’t need to bid that project” or “Old City Hall will be ready in January of 2019” or “Old City Hall rehab ‘only’ cost $1.02 million.” or “our electric department does carry adequate reserves” or “the skate park estimate was never $200,000”
Taj Mahal: New Lampasas County jail which is costing us roughly $18 million dollars (plus most recently, another $50,000 in change orders). If I had my way: (1) we would not waste jail space with victimless ‘crimes’ like owning/smoking a plant – which would greatly reduce the number of jail cells needed….and (2) those Lampassholes who commit REAL crimes like theft or assault or vandalism would be thrown on a chain gang every day to pick up garbage on the highway or pull weeds in the creek instead of lounging in an $18 million Taj Mahal with hot water and three meals a day. Perhaps THAT would incentivize them to behave. But hey…what the hell do I know. I’m old-fashioned.
Tithes: Massive sums of tax dollars handed over to Pope Eckermann in order to get his blessing on any project under consideration. These tithes are often given whether the project is ever started or not (see: civic center). See also “Pope Eckermann“
Turd polishing/burying: the act of City Council forgetting about a terrible idea (civic center, rodeo arena, business park, recycling, tree police, mountain bike paths, community garden rain cathch tanks, solar project) for a little while but then resurrecting the same awful idea over and over and trying to make it sound palatable (polishing a turd) – usually at the urging of a Boobus Lampasicanus at a town hall meeting. The civic center turd has been subject to several cycles of burying, uncovering and polishing over the years.
Vanity project: The $1,500,000.00 Old City Hall renovation and new City Council chambers championed by current Mayor Misti Talbert. Was supposed to be completed approximately December of 2018….still not finished (as of Oct 2019) and is wildly over budget. If it ever opens, you will get to see the “Ferrari of A/V systems” and the magic $128,000 elevator. See also “Wow! factor“
Weed patch: A 151-acre albatross around the neck of the Lampasas Economic Development Corporation (LEDC). They refer to it as a shovel-ready “business park” but that is a total misnomer (look it up, Monica) as there are no actual businesses in the ‘park’. However, one less-than-intelligent murderer mistook the term “shovel-ready” and brought a fresh corpse there to be hidden. Over $2.2 million dollars have been wasted on this monstrosity with no end in sight. Still sitting empty as of September 2023. See also: corpse repository and business park.
Wow! factor: Actual phrase found in City Council minutes (page 3) to justify the spending of outrageous sums (currently around $1.5 MILLION) on a new City Council chambers and renovation of Old City Hall. It is not specified who actually used this phrase, but I suspect it was Misti “Drunken Sailor” Talbert. See also: vanity project